One of the interesting perks about being an adoptee is that we have the ability to adapt to various circumstances and groups of people. We have after all learned via trial by fire. Drop the child in with some strangers, and a new family to call mommy/daddy, (or mommy/mommy/ or daddy/daddy depending on the circumstances) and they learn to make the new family situation work even if it looks different from that of the majority. We do it and we become quite good at it. I have become quite adept at building meaningful relationships around myself even with the added challenge of being shy. In my earlier years I was so afraid of abandonment that I tended to put the needs of others above mine without reciprocation. When I changed that, I lost friends. I took such losses pretty hard but I learned from them. Over the last 6 years, I have been very intentional about rebuilding my village with a focus of including only those who cared about me as much as I cared about them. I sought out folks who would certainly call me if I dropped off the face of the earth, ask ME if I’m ok when I’m out of sorts or appear distant and correct me when I’m being a wanker. I chose some and some chose me. It has worked out fabulously.
One of the most surprising places I’ve found my villagers has been the internet. I’ve made several friends chatting online about hair, adoption, food and music. I have “met” many of them and hung out on Google just to hear their voices and see their faces. Most recently I engaged in a face to face meet-up with one of my adoptee friends, Tracy. She and I met thru another adoptee in 2009 and became Facebook friends. We sometimes engaged via an online adoptee support chat group (I miss those). I remember the first time we found out that we shared the same birthday. That tickled me. We began calling ourselves birthday twins. We later found out that we shared a passion for music and liked many of the same artists (not the mainstream stuff). We both loved Prince and Mint Condition. One year Tracy went to Chicago and I told her I was jealous. She told me to come next time and I thought her offer was genuine. Occasionally I’d share some issue I was managing regarding my birth mother and she responded with a meaningful response and actual empathy. The empathy piece was most important because while many people can sympathize, they don't really get it. I knew that Tracy, without deep explanation, felt my pain.
While I wouldn't have called our relationship close, I knew Tracy was someone I genuinely liked so I in boxed her to share that I was coming to Atlanta, in hopes that we could connect in person. Tracy was excited and said she would set up a dinner with some other adoptees. When I arrived, I found that everyone had bailed for one reason or another and it was almost like the universe had intervened. We sat across from each other with entirely too much food on the table and talked and laughed and shared stories. Tracy is short with a petite frame and an engaging smile. These are the kinds of things you find out when you meet in person for the first time! She’s just as beautiful in spirit and in person as she appears in her online pictures. She and I laughed about my mishap getting from the airport to the hotel, talked about parenthood and the struggles that can sometimes come with that. We found out we had even more similarities, having married the same year, our husbands have the same first names and our Zodiac attributes are nearly the same (Pisces twins). And get this- both of our birth mothers are named Joanne. Tracy and I talked only a little bit about adoption; mostly about how we found out and our respective birth parent encounters. We are both in a place of acceptance for what is and not ruling out possibilities. We both love our adoptive families. In the big scheme of things there is so much more to life than that part of us and yet it is the thing that caused us to bond in the first place. Most importantly, we became fast, old friends and for that I am grateful. Tracy is officially part of my village (yes, I have claimed you girl) and I am so happy to call her- friend. Until next we meet!
